the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize