Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
