Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
