Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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