My first STD was from a foam party
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
