Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
