I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
