Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
