i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
