the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
