What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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