i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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