my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
