Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize