So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Duck Duck Cougar?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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