We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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