he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
