her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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