Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
