just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
