Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
