so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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