does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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