I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Holy shit dude........stairs
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
