I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
