I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
