You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
