Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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