don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
