how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My balls are so social today.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
