I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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