Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
