I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
