Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
