Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
