I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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