He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
