Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
