There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
