Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
