he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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