Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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