I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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