Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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