I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
