I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Randomize
