look no pants
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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