got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
zippers are such a cool invention
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
