I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
