those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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