I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
