My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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