My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
