bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
