I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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