I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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