Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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